when the calm hits the fan

for the last several weeks, i've experienced an odd calm. odd, because i'm rarely calm, even under the best of circumstances. when i'm not fretting about my children and their moods, schools, relationships, and development or my husband and his moods and work, i'm thinking about my sisters and their families, my friends and their families, my job and coworkers, my neighbors, my various community activities, and when i don't have enough to worry about, people i've never met. i don't hear from my youngest sister for more than three days...something's wrong. a friend is tardy responding to an email...what's happened? kevin's not sleeping well...he's not telling me something. i read a news story about an injured child or hear about my sister's friend's neighbor being downsized and i dwell on it for days, worrying for them, imagining myself in their position, wondering how they might better their current situation.

lately, though, i just seem to be going through the motions of worrying. "hmmm, i emailed so-and-so with a specific question and she's blown me off. gee, something must be up." but i don't experience that same anxiety. just not there. maybe, just maybe, i don't really give a shit. (i'm even a tiny bit relieved.) or perhaps i've learned that trick that kevin seems to have mastered of worrying about only those things that really matter.

i'm not sure if it's the changing weather or hormones or some real, much healthier way of coping, but i don't care. i'm just trying very hard to keep the feeling as long as i can. worrying, of course, that it will slip away.